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Post by danewgirl on Feb 16, 2008 0:35:34 GMT -5
Basically, this poem is about two lovers being torn away by their 'destiny'. One of them is in their deathbed because of a sickness they were born with. The other is rushing to see them one last time before it was too late. He didn't get to her on time, so he was praying to God for forgiveness and at the same time, to his lover on what he had wished for-over anything so precious in the world.
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If I were given one wish to be granted
I'd spend it on another minute that dawn.
Just 60 seconds more to your life
Before you're out of reach and gone.
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I'd spend the first 9 seconds on
There were so many things I wanted to say.
Another 5 seconds for If only I was there
6 for I wish you would have stayed.
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5 on: You didn't have to go
6 on I can't stand life without you.
I'd spend the next 12 for I miss those times we had
When there was me and you.
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I'd use up 5 on I'll remember our precious memories.
The next 5, this must've been undeniable fate
I'd hold onto your hand so tightly
Before letting you up to Heaven's Gates.
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The next second is for my Goodbye
Another three seconds for I'll miss you
I'd kiss you on the lips one last time
By my last 3 words, I love you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Post by Yamanaka Ino on Feb 16, 2008 0:43:06 GMT -5
Oh my god! That made me want to cry a bit--and that doesn't happen to me often. As for the punctuation, I'd just add a few commas here and there. The periods well-placed as far as I can tell through my sleepiness. ^^ I'd give it five stars in the department of emotion. When it comes to grammatical errors, such as commas and periods, I'd give it four stars. Just add a couple commas, like I said, and you'll be fine. ^^
-Ino/Kat/Kono
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Yoshida Rin
Junior Student
Junior Student/Ramen Shop Employee
Posts: 41
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Post by Yoshida Rin on Feb 16, 2008 1:40:21 GMT -5
... ^---What Ino said. *cheesy grin with a freakishly weird thumbs up* OwO
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Uchiha Sasuke
Sophmore Student
Sophmore Student%7CFast food worker%7C PRANK`D BY SAKURA! >D
ZOMG! Mufasa!
Posts: 105
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Post by Uchiha Sasuke on Feb 16, 2008 8:32:27 GMT -5
Woah O.O
I liked it alot! This is a cool poem! Personally, I can't see any grammatical errors(yes, I do suck that bad at writing) but I like the emotion behind it.
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